Hai Bane's Journal

this song > you

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 21:03:57 GMT

And under the boughs unbowed
All clothed in a snowy shroud
She had no heart so hardened
All under the boughs unbowed

Each feather it fell from skin
'Til threadbare, she grew thin
How were my eyes so blinded?
Each feather it fell from skin

And I will hang my head, hang my head low
And I will hang my head, hang my head low

Freak out in a moonage daydream ohhhh yeaaaaah

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 02:03:30 GMT

when you're sober around drunk people you realize who is really your friend and who isn't.

I am dangerously close to losing a friend.

on the lighter side..... I love my jobs for some reason... stocking is a great workout and working the music section at barnes & noble is pretty fun. Nicest people i've ever worked with.

Other side-notes:
-i'm desirable to women again miraculously
-cute girl at pet smart is cute
-looking forward to visiting mass. for very sexy reasons
-matt liked it when i put my arm around him (even though he didn't say so)
-i'm not feeling sick anymore
-i didn't regret the recent change in my life... but because of recent events i'm not particularly empathetic to anyone
-that in turn is making me a very very happy boy!
-monies!!!!

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 13:04:33 GMT

Can we destroy another Tower of Babel please? God? You out there?

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 01:04:49 GMT

I'm an alligator, I'm a mama-papa coming for you
I'm the space invader, I'll be a rock 'n' rollin' bitch for you
Keep your mouth shut,
you're squawking like a pink monkey bird
And I'm busting up my brains for the words

Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe
Put your ray gun to my head
Press your space face close to mine, love

Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah!

Don't fake it baby, lay the real thing on me
The church of man, love
Is such a holy place to be
Make me baby, make me know you really care

Make me jump into the air

Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe
Put your ray gun to my head
Press your space face close to mine, love
Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah!

Freak out, far out, in out

So yeah.................... lol

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 07:34:25 GMT

I'm never writing poetry drunk again

What is Man?
(For Rudy)

WHAT IS MAN?!
Who is god?

Touch me and I shall tell you
The story of the herder
And his flock of sheep.

The counterbalance to our existence
Excusing our flaws
And forgiving our sins

WE are the 'wasteland'
Mr. Eliot, you almost
Had it right.

The world doesn't move
To the excrement of
Just one asshole

God doesn't
Give a shit
About your dead Father

And he doesn't give
A fuck about what
You have to say for him.

God told me 'nigger' is just a word
The hate comes from the association
within ourselves.

Man breathes, shits, and dies--
You're all worthless in my eyes.

(see what I mean?)

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 11:19:33 GMT

I think the human body was meant to sleep for 4 hours at a time twice a day. The reason that people don't sleep so well is because they're forced to sleep more and less often.

The mexicans have it right... damn their siesta time! I wish we had that... I'm going to hate being tired everyday for work D=

My new photoshop jobs..... not very complicated, just fun

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 08:09:26 GMT

Vampire cat... added the blood and fangs and changed the eyes (kinda shitty, but I think it's funny and that's all that matters!)

One of the simplest/quickest/bestest jobs I've done. Creating a shadow in the back of the guns was a stroke of genius, however it still looks a bit too animated.
I still love it though. It's a fucking rambo cat... how could you not? (I added the guns, toned the night vision, gave him a shitty bandana, added the shadows)

I made this because there are alot of people on all the internets that have alot of shit to say... (picture nabbed from google)

This is just self explanitory.... (picture nabbed from google)

Saw this and felt inspired. I even made myself laugh with this one. You can feeeeel the drama! (just added text... hard i know)

And just for the fuck of it... a Family Guy, Penny Arcade, and Animatrix banner I made a few years ago:

simple yet nice.

I like requests... so post something if ya like. (also: these are all done with a mouse, not a drawing pad. I'm crazy like that.)

My notes on autobiography & new poem

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 22:00:54 GMT

The process does not end
The reader much like science must take the
pool of collected thought and build upon it

Language constantly unfolding upon itself

Barthes 142
Death of the Author occurs why?

The Author is only linked to his work at the point of writing
eg: multiple drafts of papers
or a fact that is proven false

The Author can not be held accountable for theories unknown to
him/her

eg: what the author writes today would not be the
same as what he/she writes a month from that
time.

Therefore the death of the author is a nessesary function for the
presentation of art and literature

In a way, the comprehension nof the author's writing is a reflection
of what the reader had already known, based
on Merwin's previous theory about the journey
of autobiography.

-----------------------------------------

Comprehension
by Eric Samuels

It is our own minds
That limit our gliding
Fingers to paper
When it is raining outside.

These fingers were crafted
To touch more surfaces
Than just your lolely papyrus
Mon frere

HOUSE PARTY (not like the movie)

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 04:20:43 GMT

2 kegs... 20 bottles of liquor...

I told Paul to put "Bad Motherfucker" on his cup AFTER he wrote that.

blurry image, but that's me getting a bit drunker and doing the hoedown

Tom and Jay soaked a piece of bread with the beer pong table beer that spilled over... nasty

Literally 5 minutes before Jay put his helmet on Paul rubbed his balls all over the inside. Jackie and I were just sittin there next to him and he starts goin at it haha.

Getting drunker?

ROCK! yes... getting drunker haha.

I had no idea this ear action was even going on! funny picture, no tongue-to-ear contact though! =P

Creepy, creepy, creepy. and i'm peeing.
also I look like this guy:

haha right?

cooking food in the morning and all is forgotten.

changes

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 02:34:21 GMT

Right now it's 10pm and I'm putting off a seven page paper that is due tomorrow at 4pm. I can get this paper done in 3 hours but I'm putting it off because my brain has turned to shit since it's already been tapped by one of the best papers I've ever written on the death of the author giving birth of the self cultivated reader.

Basically the paper is about how the author of a piece of text doesn't matter because something could be 200 years old and completely lost all meaning that the author intended yet we can still read it and get meaning for ourselves (hence the cultivation). There were diagrams and all... my professor said that she liked diagrams after I drew mine on the chalk board. My professor was a 35 year old Russian woman (hence the class was named Russian Autobiography) who would always smile at me when I talked. I felt like she was treating me like a kid on the short bus, she was inches away from pinching my cheek and sending me off to play in the sand box. But back to her smile... her smile was like an interlaced series of tiny nails. She could make kids cry with this smile. Don't get me wrong, this Russian woman was actually very attractive and I wouldn't mind letting her vladamir my nabokov.

That aside, it would ruin my train of thought whenever she would smile at me, so I would have to, in a way, multitask in my mind by thinking of stuff that I would have to do that day after the class, while explaining what I wanted to convey. All this probably gave her a reason to smile at me the way she did. OOOO maybe it was because I was the only boy in the class and her vagina is frozen over... Russia is very cold you know. ok enough of that. Basically this class pushed my limits and I have thought about life and death like I never thought I could. I challenge anyone to have a conversation with me about life and keep up with me on the same level... it just won't happen anymore. I feel enlightened.

Shifting gears: back to the title of this entry: 'changes'. Lets make this a bit easier first.
Changes in the past 6 months:

depression to happiness in record time
attachment issues to people have been dissolved
i sing really loud to music in the car whilst making funny faces to people passing me... such as licking the crack of my fingers (haha love it)
i laugh easier
i denied my ex-girlfriend the chance to be with me again
i'm not afraid to say it wasn't my fault
ooo this is a good one: i learned that my ex didn't tell her ex-boyfriend that we were dating
i've also been cheated on in the past 6 months
i've been deathly ill for 2 days and then returned to normal after a 104 fever and spasming in my bed
i made my grandmother cry out of happiness upon reading my 'thank you' note
my grandmother is full of life and the reason i write as much as i do
i've learned that life is too short to blame anyone unless you get an STD (ouch... yes i'm clean)
I've finished school and i'm on to looking for a full-time job
I'm moving to hartford and looking forward to seeing people I havn't seen in a while
I've made a deal with myself/becca that I will write a poem a week at least (i wrote one today)
I'm unsatisfied with one lone aspect of my life

I'd like to fix that last part but I can't at this point in time. When I move into my new place maybe i'll build up the courage.

robert frost once said "poetry is a momentary stay from confusion", and life as an entity is confusion. I'm going to try to get a job being an editor/writer or designer for a publishing company or magazine. Life is alot like language, we all have alot to say but not enough words to be able to say it.

ok back to my paper, but first (i should really make an ljcut here, but oh well) I'll leave you with a poem that I have come to love over the course of this summer, written by the late Robert Frost:

Acquainted with the Night

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain--and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

I have looked down the saddest city lane.
I have passed by the watchman on his beat
And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
When far away an interrupted cry
Came over houses from another street,

But not to call me back or say good-by;
And further still at an unearthly height
One luminary clock against the sky

Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
I have been one acquainted with the night.

Perfection, fuck Ezra Pound

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 17:31:12 GMT

The Wild Ducks at Rams Pasture

I sit alone at the edge of the pond
That is centered in Rams Pasture,
Thinking of how my freshman English
Professor would tell me you can’t represent

Death effectively in a twelve line poem.
These ducks are my kind of death;
Wading in the slime
That collects at the banks.

Like U-boats slicing
Through Italian marble,
They approach me and then realize
The cigarette between my shaking
Fingers is not their salvation;

And they drift away, but in the distance—-
Water weed and bacteria
Is their meal of choice,
And I can see them dine.

It’s then that I realize these animals
Will never fear the natural death
That only I know; and for that moment—-
The ducks have eased my mind.

someone nudged me to write! heather! but this is all I have, hope you like it. It's easily my best and worst poem so far.

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 20:25:00 GMT

last post for a long time QQ

Sat, 11 Feb 2006 21:03:19 GMT

I

don't know if you realize that

I

am the king of england and

I

deserve a little me time!

that is all

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 08:42:37 GMT

"It's better when you just let me love you..."

anyone else getting misty?

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 05:05:56 GMT

muahaha I noticed that I was walking out of the supermarket with
snapple rain
cigarettes
condoms
song in my head
spring in my step

by the way:

"Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction."

come again please ;)

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 22:19:46 GMT

I'll be in Maine this weekend..... checklist:

snowboard 1
flask full of rum 1
two feet tall chinese boy 1
Plato's Gorgias 1 *cry*

back soon!
p.s. I'm smarter than Socrates apparently

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 02:20:00 GMT

Dear Jakie Chan,

This semester is going to be the best one yet. I'm single and apparently I have the best roommates ever... so that = happy gatsu.

p.s. fuck your god

New poem

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 18:18:03 GMT

My Final Days

Choking on red smoke

Darting skyscrapers crumble
Before my watery eyes.

The piercing howl of fighters
Minced by the tinkering of slugs.

It’s a pale death
With no light, stopping for no one;

The terrors of night eyes
Ready to unload,

Half back, two or three
Carried by horses with white wings.

The harlequin bodies, propped
By guns, with dripping gullets.

It’s cracked stone and charred
Iron girders.

These gaping heads
And obligatory twisted minds,

Fixed frozen stance
With no notion

I’m not coming home

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 18:14:50 GMT

First poem of the semester, and I like it:

Anxiety

It’s a cold fate that liberates
My fingers upon first glance
At her, like a countdown to disaster.

Scanning with hollowed
Eyes through the tangled
Bodies radiating the stench
Of sweat and Calvin Klein.

My muscles claw
At me as my stride transforms
Into a glorified series of twitches

Aching for the awkward end.

Thu, 14 Jul 2005 20:45:49 GMT

Best poem I wrote all summer:

Coffee House Jazz

As the jazz music picked up
I was tapping my foot like my
Guitar teacher—The lonely pervert
Had taught me.

Tap your foot by lifting your knee,
Stomp your heel, not your
Toes. That’s how you
Listen to jazz he would say.
I should have been a drummer.

Its an open mic’ at the local coffee
Shop, and I’m starting to feel where
This band is moving. The half
Poetic jazz at the coffee house was never my thing.

Some events are too cliché to try
Without someone forcing you through
The door. Yet I’ve
Fallen Victim to their sound.

The creeping flow of the guitar—
Thump of the bass, crack of the snare.
I sit in sweet anticipation;
And they’re just getting started.

Mon, 11 Jul 2005 07:21:08 GMT

Well it's not much fun up here in Keene; and the one thing that I liked to do at night--walking around the lighted campus(sometimes smoking)--isn't really possible right now. I'm just too fucking tired. Such as right now I would love to walk around campus, but I'm dead tired. There are things I have the option of doing though, like seeing people I havn't seen in a while. Most of those people don't interest me though (people in keene I mean). However I did see Takato last week. We went to this chinese buffet that was amaaaaaazing-ly cheap. $8 on saturdays for the whole damn thing... gorgers unite, we strike on saturdays! So yeah I got to try some mediocre imitation crab sushi; but at least it was good enough to have those little orange round things on the outside that I can actually taste surprisingly. My new thing: imitation crab sushi with wasabi, ginger, and soy sauce (kikkoman... show me sushi and i'll shouyu a good soysauce... dumb joke). Anyway yeah it the taste from that in the mouth is all spicy and squishy and kind of crabby... its surprisingly good. I have a sneaking suspition though that I like any food that I can eat with chopsticks. For example: When I went to china town in New York City, Kaz, Kento, and I stumbled across a place boasting "best won-ton soup in NYC". The name of the place was "Won-ton *Something*" I forget the last part. Back to the chopsticks: I had their special ultimate won-ton bowl meal which also had some shrimp in it. I despise shrimp... if it were up to me I would kill every shrimp on the earth. Its not only that shrimp taste bad but they smell bad too. Also the one time I did have raw shrimp was the time I spit food on the carpet. The texture and the look of it is just nasty. But for those of you who shove what is now know to me as the "baby dick of the sea" (shrimp), eat up fucker; or as Lewis Black says, "fuckin chug ya prick!".

So my nightlife is not really what it could be. I did a little sort of bonding with my roommate today. I tried to sit down and watch family guy with him but he was washing dishes the whole fucking hour it was on haha. Oh well, it was never meant to be. I would be angrier if i actually knew i put effort into having something in common with my roommates. But besides that, the highlight of my nights is seeing something that is green, blue, or purple and typing:

/random 100

I am crazy. It's 3am and I am crazy

blah

(getting more random)

I had my monthly bloodtest last week. For those of you who know my condition, I am actually making an improvement. I havn't made this much of an improvement since I was 10 years old. It kind of seems like I'm virtually cured; which just makes me sad because I think of what could of happened to me: shots every month, hospitol appointments, loads of pills, or maybe just death. That has almost no chance of happening to me though, unless my disease all of sudden gets stronger than it was in the beginning. That really can't happen though. My doctor: Dr. Gordon (flash gordon, as known by my friend's mom) is a very cocky man; but I owe him all the thanks in the world for what he has done for me. I was skeptical at first, but it turned out ok.

I said to myself that I was going to bed nearly an hour ago. That didn't really seem to happen.

I also want to say that I miss my friends. I miss driving to danbury at night wasting a little notch of gas just for wendy's. I miss having zelda battles where i would pick up a link clone and throw him in the water. I miss snow covered abandoned houses; and playing beer pong on my friend's lawn with a cigar in my mouth. I miss taking off my shoes before comming upstairs, as to not disrupt the border of outside and inside -- dirty and clean. I miss playing pool at night and asking for a server to serve us, then only ordering $1 drinks with a 20 cent tip for each. I almost miss hearing a knocking at my door.
But I do miss hearing the knock and agreeing that we should be quiet, stop what we're doing, and not make a sound (for obvious reasons) until the knock goes away.

Now I leave you with a few words of wisdom:

The
Duck went up onto the land. The
Fox was watching
He just laughed
He said, "Land HO!"

Onegaishimasu--Oyasumi

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 20:46:06 GMT

Best Fourth of July since over 12 years ago when I lived in my old house and went to a party at the Carbonell's house across the street.

The title should give clues into the writing

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 05:45:25 GMT

Did you ever wish that there was some sort of spirit, angel if you will, that would magically nest in your head. I think someone should market these. I for one am in dire need of some sort of advice from someTHING that can see the world a little clearer than I can. You know when people talk about their mind being clouded? Thats my mind since, oh I don't know... I guess almost a year ago. So now the question is, what the fuck do I do now? I am trying to live my life, and I am just trying to get by day to day, however every day I realize more and more that we're all insignificant people. Alot of you have heard this before and probably stopped reading when I said that, but I don't know. What the fuck is out there for me? Should I be doing what I'm doing now? I mean what the fuck there are millions of Americans in college... I want to know why. Yes it is better for jobs and all those money grubbing assholes who can't afford their Ferarri's when their 50 if they don't go through college and become all commercial (this excludes all those people who are rich because of non-college talents. ie: rappers. eg: 50 Cent).

Right now, right this very moment I want only 3 things. I want to travel the world learning about other cultures, because what else is there? I want to have a job that benefits people, not because it pays well, but because I like to do it, and I think that job for me is publishing. There are alot of minds out there not being heard... back to the insignificant thing again: there is no possible way to have met everyone on this earth, it doesn't happen. There are people who would probably make me happy to be alive just because I'm with them and they are my friends. Its very rare in America to meet someone without all the mind control bullshit, you know? You meet someone on the street and they talk about the weather or about Sadam or some other thing that isn't going to matter in 5 years (except for the weather, that will always be here, but I FUCKING HATE TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER!). I think I can travel around and make enough money from place to place working so that I can get a plane ticket or train ticket to the next city that interests me. Which brings me to my third desire: I want someone to share this with. I need someone there so that I can justify my existance.

I think I have one out of those three things at the current moment. But I've been thinking, and I'm not doing what makes me happy, and that's why I feel so useless. I'm doing what everyone else wants me to do and I'm too afraid to dissapoint everyone. I need to know what I'm going to do next. There was a point in my childhood when I thought of something pretty fargone from what I normally would ponder. I thought about what it would be like to live in a shitty apartment for my entire life... not because I wanted to but because that was all I could afford because the job I had was all I could get. It was scary to me. I think it would be scary to most people in America. Hell, there are people in shitty apartments and worse, out on the fucking street.

This is why I've been thinking lately that what my parents talk about and what society talks about (making money, owning a home, having 2.5 children) isn't really what I want. The thought of being stuck in the mundane frightens me, because I'm in it right now and it's not good! If this is what life is going to be like there needs to be some changes 'round here. However there is something that frightens me more... the virtual fact that I have probably a 90% chance of ending up like a "normal" American. Which is hilarious when you think about it. People comming here to live the "American Dream" and earn money to live "the good life". But that won't make them happy, I know first hand. Which brings me to another dilemma! Will anything truely make anyone truely happy? This is a problem and the main reason that scares me away from moving across seas and working for a British publishing company. It would be perfect, I could go to work and come home to my shitty appartment and then on some weekends I could take the ferry over to Spain or France or maybe go all the way to Italy by plane.

There are so many places I want to see before I get stuck in the everyday mundane that is the American dream.
Someone save me please, I'm looking to verify my three desires in life.

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 04:35:26 GMT

OH SAY SAY SAY!
OH SAY SAY SAY!

WAIT!

They don't love you like I love you...

Tue, 17 May 2005 05:19:25 GMT

I can finally not worry anymore... if anyone cares

Oh and Crash is one of the most depressing movies I've ever seen; and I've seen Requiem for a Dream!!

I bought this for $10 today... Someone slap me please. Way too expensive for the little plastic. BUT I HAD TO HAVE IT! fuckin materialistic me...